You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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