No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
