Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
