your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
