She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
