Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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