thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize