New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
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Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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