I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
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you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
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Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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