He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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