don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he fucked my hip out of place.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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