I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's shark week go big or go home
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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