I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
