Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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