You made me cry and you don't even care
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
