dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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