; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.