Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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