I love black thongs
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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