Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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