I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
