Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
