I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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