You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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