If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
