this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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