No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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