Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
