My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
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i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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