I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we're making bets on your personal life
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
