My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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