He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
