I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
