My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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