omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The best revenge is premature balding
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
