I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
