I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
