Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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