my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
