i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
