She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
