I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
