Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
