finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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