eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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