I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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