Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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