She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
