I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
