I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
