Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
