Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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