I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine