My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
