found the other keg... it's in the tree
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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