i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
