Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
