I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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