I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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