I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
