i think i have two assholes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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