i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
