Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
im on a boat
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